Things You Should Never Say in Child Custody Mediation
Going through a divorce is hard enough all by itself, but it becomes an even bigger challenge when children are involved. Many people believe that their only option is to go through a contentious court battle with their soon-to-be ex, but that’s not so. Through a process called mediation, you can avoid courtroom brawls with your child’s co-parent and come to a mutually satisfying agreement that works for everyone.
Below, learn what not to say in child custody mediation from a divorce attorney in Goodyear, AZ.
How Does Child Custody Mediation Work?
You’re divorcing, and as you expected, it isn’t pretty. You and your soon-to-be former spouse can’t agree on anything when it comes to your children. You’re arguing over parenting time, which parent will owe the other child support, who will have the kids on holidays, and so on.
What if there was a way to resolve your disagreements at least somewhat amicably? There is and it’s called mediation.
During mediation, you’ll meet with a neutral third party, called a mediator, who will help you and your co-parent work through your differences. The mediator isn’t on anyone’s side; rather, they’re there to provide guidance and advice to both you and your ex. Their job is to help you make decisions in your child’s interest.
In addition to fostering respectful child custody discussions, mediation offers a number of appealing benefits. These include:
- Mediation is meant to be a cooperative, low-conflict process. Litigation, on the other hand, is by nature combative and can harm your relationship with the co-parent. If you wish to maintain a good relationship with the co-parent, mediation is ideal.
- Litigation can be very expensive, mediation much less so. A legal battle over child custody can cost thousands of dollars. Mediation, comparatively, can cost as little as a few hundred.
- Because mediation is a cooperative process, co-parents can complete it relatively quickly, sometimes in just one session. Litigation can drag on for weeks, sometimes months (that’s part of why it’s so expensive).
- If you value your privacy, you’ll want to stick with mediation. Anything you discuss in mediation stays between you and your co-parent. Litigation, on the other hand, is public record. It’s all too easy for busybodies to look up what happened during the hearing.
- Mediation is more focused on what’s right for your unique situation than litigation is. For example, a judge might impose a strict visitation schedule that doesn’t work for you. In mediation, you and your co-parent can decide on a schedule that makes sense for both of your situations.
Mediation isn’t only for divorce-related issues. It can also help you resolve concerns with:
- The adoption process
- Parental rights
- Legal guardianship
- Permanent placement after foster care
- And more
What Not To Say in Child Custody Mediation
Because mediation is a less formal process compared to litigation, many co-parents think that they’re free to say anything and everything that comes to mind. Some things, though, are ideally left unsaid in a mediation session. Here’s what to avoid saying when you meet with the mediator and your co-parent.
Don’t Bash the Mediator
Divorce naturally brings out the worst in people. They become angry and bitter, snapping at innocent bystanders who are only trying to help. Unfortunately, this all too often includes the mediator.
The mediator is not there to serve as your verbal punching bag, so keep a respectful tone and watch what you say when speaking to them. Never curse, scream or say things like, “This is our business, so butt out!”
Don’t Talk Badly About the Child’s Other Parent
It’s very tempting to use mediation as a therapy session during which you unload all your complaints about your soon-to-be ex. But the goal of mediation is to resolve child custody issues, not rely on the mediator as your personal therapist.
Now is not the time to play the blame game. Don’t talk about your ex’s drinking problem or their new partner. Leave it up to the court to decide if it has a problem with your ex’s behavior. And definitely do not make false accusations against your co-parent. If a judge finds out that you’ve lied or exaggerated the truth, it could impact your custody arrangement.
Don’t Refuse To Budge on Important Issues
You want your child to attend private school, while your co-parent has no problem with them going to public school. They think private school is an unnecessary waste of money that could be better spent on other things, like clothes and groceries. You refuse to even listen to your co-parent’s objections and basically say, “It’s my way or the highway.”
Bull-headed stubbornness like this is the downfall of many mediation sessions. It’s important to know when to compromise and when it’s smart to back down. In the example above, for instance, you might compromise by agreeing to fully pay for private school tuition as well as providing additional child support funds for necessities.
Don’t Make Unreasonable Demands
You want to move to Bermuda and take your child with you for six months every year. Or perhaps you want your ex to pay you more child support because you’re sick of your job and planning to quit. Naturally, your ex balks at these demands.
Of course, you can ask for what you want in mediation, but don’t put your foot down and demand things if your ex says no. Making ridiculous demands only encourages your co-parent to do the same. Soon enough, you’ll have turned mediation into a game of chicken in which both participants try to outdo the other. Remember, this isn’t about you; it’s about your child.
Don’t Make Excuses for the Past
You’ve had a colorful past, and that’s putting it mildly. Maybe you were at the bar more often than not, or perhaps you had a little too much fun with online gambling.
If you have a skeleton or two in your closet, expect your co-parent to want to bring it up during mediation. They might use your past as ammunition against you, saying, for example, that they should have full custody because you can’t be trusted.
It’s tempting to make excuses, but don’t do it. Simply own up to your mistakes and demonstrate how you’ve changed. This is especially important if you end up needing to go before a judge.
Other “Don’ts” To Avoid in Child Custody Cases
You know what not to say in child custody mediation, but what else can you do to ensure the process goes smoothly? Follow these tips:
- Don’t send your ex nasty emails or text messages. Your co-parent may show these messages to the judge, who will almost certainly use them against you. Stay respectful in all of your messages. If you can’t do that, communicate about child welfare solely through your attorney.
- Don’t talk with your child about the case. Such details will only stress them out and may frighten them. Focus on staying positive and maintaining your child’s routine.
- Don’t withhold your child from their other parent. Not only does this harm your child’s relationship with their parent but it also reflects badly on you.
- Don’t disregard temporary court orders. For example, if a judge orders you to pick up and drop off your child on certain days, make sure you do exactly that.
- Don’t introduce a new partner to your child during the custody case. Now is not the time to add another source of stress to your child’s life. And definitely do not bring a new partner to court with you. Judges frown on this because unrelated partners can be a distraction.
- Don’t go to court without understanding Arizona’s child custody laws. Our state’s laws are complex, so it’s wise to have an attorney to represent you. They can answer common child custody FAQs and advise you on what to say (and not say) during the process.
When Mediation Fails
As helpful as mediation is, it isn’t successful 100% of the time. If you and your co-parent can’t come to an agreement in mediation, you’ll have to go before a judge, who will make the decisions for you.
The judge will consider factors such as:
- The child’s relationship with each parent and other family members
- Which parent primarily cared for the child in the past
- The child’s current living situation
- Each parent’s health and income
- The parent’s wishes (and the child’s wishes, if old enough)
After considering these factors, the judge will make a final decision which you and your co-parent must abide by.
Dependable Legal Representation for Child Custody Cases in Arizona
Now that you know what not to say in child custody mediation, are you seeking assistance with your child custody case in Goodyear? Reach out to our experienced attorneys at Lincoln & Wenk, PLLC. We can assist with all aspects of child custody cases, from custody arrangements to child support. We also offer divorce mediation and litigation services.
Call (623) 294-2464 to request a case evaluation or continue reading to learn about the different forms of child custody.